The RLT Feedback Wheel: A Simple Yet Impactful Tool for Better Couple Communication.

One of the most common challenges couples bring into therapy is knowing how to communicate without escalating into conflict or shutting down completely. It’s such a relatable experience: wanting to feel seen and heard by your partner, but not knowing how to express that in the moment.

That’s where the Relational Life Therapy (RLT) model offers something truly helpful.

The RLT Feedback Wheel: A simple four-step tool from Relational Life Therapy (RLT) to help couples communicate clearly and reconnect, widely used in couples therapy.

Developed by renowned therapist and author Terry Real, RLT is a powerful and direct approach to couples therapy that focuses on honesty, accountability, and connection. At the heart of it is the idea that you can speak truth with love, and that both partners are responsible for co-creating a relationship that works.

One of my favourite practical tools from the RLT model is something we use often in my couples intensives and couples therapy sessions: the Wheel of Feedback.

What is the RLT Feedback Wheel?

The RLT Feedback Wheel is a simple framework, made up of 4 steps, which helps couples give feedback that is both clear and connective, after something has happened which has caused a rupture or disharmony in the relationship.

The framework walks you through four essential steps that invite calm, respectful communication and allow space for vulnerability, clarity, and repair.

**Spoiler alert - there’s a cheeky pre-step! Remembering your partner is someone you love and someone with whom you want to communicate better. Starting the process from this vantage point - remembering love - is super helpful in giving the feedback wheel activity the very best chance of success!**

So, here’s how it works:

• What I saw or heard
  Start with the factual description of what happened. Stick to the observable facts, not your interpretation or emotional response just yet.

• What I made up
  Share your interpretation or the story you told yourself. This step opens space for your partner to clarify or correct misunderstandings and keeps the conversation grounded in curiosity rather than blame.

• What I felt
  Now, gently name your emotional response. Expressing your feelings fosters deeper emotional understanding and creates room for empathy. A guide for this can be to remember the 7 main feelings of joy, pain, anger, fear, shame, guilt and love as a starting point.

• What would help me now
  Finish with a clear, specific request for reassurance, change or support. This helps shift the conversation toward connection and repair.

Why It Works

So many communication patterns in couples get stuck in reactivity, defensiveness, or avoidance. The Feedback Wheel slows things down. It absolutely requires practice and you may mess it up badly the first time you try to use it - but it provides a structure that supports both truth and tenderness, making it easier to speak up without pushing each other away.

It’s especially powerful when used regularly, whether in a therapy session, during a private couples intensive, or even when reading and applying tools from one of the many excellent couples therapy books available.

If you're exploring couples work at home, you might like my roundup of my top 5 books for couples. It includes classics from Terry Real, the Gottmans, Sue Johnson, and more.

Want to Go Deeper?

If you’re curious about how to bring this kind of work into your relationship in a supported and intensive way, I offer specialised couples intensives, as well as traditional weekly therapy, which are grounded in Relational Life Therapy and, when needed, these utilise trauma-informed approaches like IFS and Brainspotting as well.

These intensives are designed for couples who want to make meaningful progress in a short space of time, whether you’re feeling stuck in cycles of disconnection or simply want to deepen intimacy and trust.

You can learn more over at couplesawaken.com, or get in touch if you're wondering whether an intensive might be right for you and your partner.

Final Thoughts

The RLT Feedback Wheel is just one tool, but it's one I return to again and again with couples I work with. Whether you're in therapy, reading books together, or simply wanting to grow as partners, it can be a supportive way to slow down, listen with intention, and speak with clarity.

Give it a try. You might be surprised at how much easier it becomes to really hear each other and to stay connected even when things feel hard.

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Written by Lucy Orton, RLT-informed couples therapist, trauma specialist and coach. Learn more about working together at couplesawaken.com.