Discernment Counselling for Couples Deciding Whether to Stay.
A private, structured intensive, spread over a few unhurried days, to help you both decide what happens next for your relationship, with clarity and confidence, whatever that decision turns out to be.
When one of you is leaning out, and one of you is holding on.
The Couples Awaken Discernment Counselling Intensive
Discernment Counselling is a short, structured process for couples where one partner is leaning out of the relationship and the other wants to stay.
At Couples Awaken, Discernment Counselling is offered as a private intensive with Lucy Orton: up to five meetings over three to five days, online worldwide or as an in-person retreat.
DISCERNMENT COUNSELLING HAS BEEN FEATURED IN
What Discernment Counselling is
If you or your partner are considering separation or divorce but are not completely sure that's the best path, you are in a tough spot. And Discernment Counselling is designed for you. It's a chance to slow down, take a breath, and look at your options for your relationship.
Discernment Counselling is a new way of helping couples where one person is "leaning out" of the relationship (and not sure that regular couples counselling would help) and the other is "leaning in", that is, interested in rebuilding the relationship.
The counsellor will help you decide whether to try to restore your relationship to health, move towards separation or divorce, or take a time out and decide later.
The goal is for you to gain clarity and confidence about a direction, based on a deeper understanding of your relationship and its possibilities for the future.
The goal is not to solve your relationship problems but to see if they are solvable. You will each be treated with compassion and respect, no matter how you are feeling about your relationship at the moment. No bad guys and good guys.
You will come in as a couple, but the most important work happens in the one-to-one conversations with the counsellor. Why? Because you are starting out in different places.
The counsellor respects your reasons for separating while trying to open up the possibility of restoring the relationship to health.
The counsellor emphasises the importance of each of you seeing your own contributions to the problems and the possible solutions. This will be useful in future relationships, even if this one ends.
You’ll each be met exactly where you are.
IF YOU’RE LEANING OUT
You may feel torn, guilty, exhausted, or certain one day and unsure the next. You'll have private space to explore your reasons honestly, without being talked out of them, and to understand your own part in how things got here. Nobody will push you to stay.
IF YOU’RE HOLDING ON
You may feel frightened, angry, or desperate to hold on. You'll have private space to steady yourself, to understand your own part in how things got here, and to bring your best self to this decision. Nobody will tell you to let go.
HOW IT WORKS:
UP TO 5 MEETINGS
Spread across three to five days, with only a few hours of work each day. The first meeting is usually two hours, the rest up around 90 minutes. The space in between matters: it's where much of the reflection happens.
MOSTLY ONE TO ONE
Most of our time is spent with each of you individually, so you can be fully honest without managing your partner's reaction.
WHY AN INTENSIVE FORMAT?
If you travel for work, live in different places, juggle parenting, or simply can't commit to weekly sessions, an intensive gives you the space and depth you need without dragging the process out over months.
TOGETHER AT THE START AND END
Each meeting opens and closes with you both, so you can each share what you're ready to share.
Your days.
BEFORE:
A private screening call with each of you, and a short intake form.
DAY ONE:
Your story. Where you each are, how you got here and what you've already tried. Then time with each of you individually.
THE MIDDLE DAYS:
Understanding the pattern between you, your own part in it, and what each path would really mean for your life.
OUR FINAL DAY:
Reaching your decision, and planning for whichever path you choose.
AFTER:
A written summary of your decision and a follow-up call four to six weeks later.
Three paths forward.
EVERY COUPLE LEAVES WITH A DIRECTION
There is no right answer here, only the one that's right for you. By the end, you'll have chosen one of three paths.
1
Pause.
Stay as you are for now, with a clear date to revisit the question together.
2
Separate.
Part ways as respectfully as possible, with a plan and support for what comes next, especially if you share children.
3
Try again, fully.
Six months of focused and supported repair work with separation off the table, then decide again with fresh information.
What happens after?
If you pause, we book a check-in for the date you've chosen, so the question doesn't drift.
If you separate, I offer individual sessions for each of you, a joint conversation about the children if you need one, and introductions to trusted mediators and family lawyers internationally.
If you try again, you move into a six-month programme with me: a two-day intensive to begin, then a longer session each month, with a review at three months and a fresh decision at six.
TWO WAYS OF WORKING
ONLINE
The Clarity Intensive, wherever you both are in the world. Ideal if you live apart, travel often, or can't get away together.
IN-PERSON ON RETREAT
The Clarity Retreat, in South East Asia or a retreat setting of your choice, with time to rest and reflect between meetings. I'll help you choose a venue with room to breathe, including separate rooms if that would help. Ideal if you need distance from daily life, or real discretion.
Is this right for us?
It’s likely a good fit if:
One of you is considering leaving and the other wants to stay
You're both unsure and feel stuck
You've started separating but aren't certain it's right
Couples therapy has stalled before
You live apart, travel often or need real discretion
Before we begin, I speak with each of you privately. It helps us both know this is the right next step.
Something else may be better if:
One of you has already made a final decision
Either of you feels pressured into coming
Either of you feels afraid of the other, or controlled
You both already want to work on the relationship. In this case, a couples intensive is the better place to start
Your Investment
ONLINE
The Clarity Intensive
Up to five meetings over three to five days, wherever you both are in the world.
Investment from
$7,850 USD
ONLINE
The Extended Clarity Intensive
Additional time for couples where an affair is part of the picture.
Investment from
$9,450 USD
IN-PERSON RETREAT
The Clarity Retreat
The same process in a retreat setting, with time to rest between meetings.
Investment is
priced on request
Every intensive includes a private call with each of you beforehand, a written summary of your decision, and a follow-up call four to six weeks later.
Your hours are scheduled in advance so the process has room to unfold. Payment terms are confirmed when you book.
About Lucy
I'm Lucy Orton, a couples intensive specialist trained in Discernment Counselling through the Doherty Relationship Institute. I'm also a Level 3 IFS therapist, a certified sex therapist, and an RLT practitioner trained through Terry Real's Relational Life Institute.
I understand both sides of this moment: why someone reaches the point of wanting to leave, and why someone else will do almost anything to stay. My practice is LGBTQIA+ affirming, kink-aware, neurodiversity-affirming and sex-positive, and every kind of committed relationship is welcome here.
Many of the couples I work with have public roles or simply value their privacy. Everything you share is held in confidence.
Trained in Discernment Counselling · IFS Level 3 · Certified Sex Therapist · Relational Life Therapy · Brainspotting
FAQs
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What is Discernment Counselling?
1
Discernment Counselling is a short, structured process for couples where one partner is leaning out of the relationship and the other is leaning in. It helps you both decide whether to work on the relationship, separate, or take a pause and decide later, with clarity and confidence.
How is it different from couples therapy?
2
Couples therapy starts from the idea that you both want to repair the relationship. Discernment Counselling starts where you are right now, which is typically different for each of you. Most of the time is spent one to one, so the partner who is unsure and the partner who wants to stay can each do their own work in an open and honest way.
Who developed Discernment Counselling?
3
It was developed by Dr Bill Doherty and colleagues at the University of Minnesota, through the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project. I trained through the Doherty Relationship Institute.
Will you try to keep us together?
4
II won't push either of you. I'll take your reasons for leaving seriously, and help you both see whether repair is possible. Whatever you decide, my aim is that you each decide with clarity and confidence.
What happens to what I say in my individual time?
5
It stays between us, except where there is a risk of harm. I'll help you decide what, if anything, you want to share with your partner.
What if one of us wants to stop part way?
6
You're never committing to an outcome. At the end of each meeting, we check that you both want to continue. If either of you feels unsafe or overwhelmed, we pause and decide together what happens next.
What if my partner won’t come?
Can we do this if we live in different countries?
7
Yes. The Clarity Intensive runs online, and meetings are scheduled across time zones. You can be in the same place or different places, as long as you each have privacy for your one-to-one time.
What if there has been an affair?
8
The Extended Clarity Intensive allows more time for couples where an affair is part of the picture, so both the hurt and the decision get the space they need.
Yes. Discernment Counselling is for any serious and committed relationship where the future is in question, whatever your gender, sexuality or the legal status of your relationship. My practice is fully LGBTQIA+ affirming.
I may offer individual sessions to help you think through your own position, and what you might do next, with or without your partner's involvement.
Is this for unmarried or same-sex couples?
What if we decide to separate?
I'll help you plan how to part as respectfully as possible, with individual support for each of you and introductions to mediators or family lawyers if you need them.
WHAT COUPLES ARE SAYING:
“Lucy gave us a way to break the loop... I'd recommend her to anyone.”
— Marnie + Peter, London
I want you to know:
You don't have to decide today.
Deciding whether to stay together or go is one of the hardest choices you'll ever face, and harder still when you're pulling in different directions.
In a Clarity Intensive, we slow everything down so each of you can see clearly and choose with confidence.
Contact
You don't have to decide what path to take today.
Book a private enquiry call by filling in the form here.
Hear Lucy talk about couples intensives and retreats
Lucy Orton | Couples Awaken: Lucy introduces her online couples intensives and in-person retreats in Southeast Asia.
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