You've succeeded at everything else. Now it's time to heal what matters most.
IFS
IFS therapy reveals why your relationship feels stuck in painful patterns despite your best efforts. The problem isn't lack of communication skills. The real challenge lies in the protective parts within both of you that hijack connection and keep you trapped in reactive cycles.
IFS therapy is how I help high-achieving couples address root causes of relationship distress and rebuild genuine intimacy. As a couples therapist practicing online from San Francisco, I use this transformative approach to create lasting change for partners on the brink of separation.
What Is Internal Family Systems Therapy?
IFS recognizes we all have different "parts," distinct aspects of our personality that developed to protect us from pain and vulnerability. These parts drive behaviors that damage your relationship: criticism, withdrawal, defensiveness, control.
Beyond protective parts, you have a core Self, your authentic, compassionate center. When both partners access their Self during difficult moments, real healing becomes possible. My work helps you recognize when protective parts take over and learn to lead from your Self instead.
Why IFS Works for Couples on the Brink
Many couples I work with have tried traditional therapy without lasting results. You're high performers dedicated to careers and children, but your relationship has deteriorated to the point where divorce feels inevitable.
IFS succeeds where other approaches fall short because it addresses what's actually happening beneath conflicts. When you criticize, a manager part is trying to feel safe. When your partner withdraws, a firefighter part is extinguishing overwhelm. These parts developed years ago in response to childhood wounds or past trauma.
Understanding this transforms your dynamic. You're no longer adversaries. You're two people whose protective systems are colliding while your authentic Selves long to reconnect.
How I Use IFS in Couples Therapy
My approach combines IFS with Relational Life Therapy to create comprehensive transformation. I'm directive but compassionate, trauma-informed but solution-focused. I won't let protective parts run your sessions.
Building Internal Awareness
We start by helping you identify your parts and recognize when they're activated. You'll learn to notice the signals that a part has taken over. This awareness creates significant shifts in how you engage.
Instead of "You're so critical," you'll say "I notice a part of me feels attacked." This language reduces defensiveness and opens space for curiosity.
Working With Protective Parts
Every part developed to protect vulnerable younger parts carrying pain from your past. You'll get to know these parts and understand what they're trying to accomplish and why they use relationship-damaging strategies.
Once parts understand they can trust your Self-leadership, they can relax and allow connection.
Practicing Self-Led Connection
The goal is transformation, not just understanding. I actively coach you in real-time, helping you notice when parts hijack conversations and guiding you back to Self-energy. You'll practice communicating from your authentic Self even during conflict.
This is where my interactive style makes a difference. I provide structure, interrupt unproductive patterns, and teach new ways of engaging.
IFS for Specific Relationship Challenges
Infidelity and Betrayal Trauma: After infidelity, both partners have parts in crisis. IFS helps work with these activated systems while rebuilding trust through trauma-informed healing.
Intimacy and Sexual Connection: Sexual difficulties involve parts carrying shame, fear, or pressure. Integrating IFS with my sex therapy training, we address internal barriers preventing authentic intimacy.
High Conflict Patterns: When trapped in explosive arguments or icy distance, protective parts are battling. IFS reveals these dynamics and teaches you to interrupt the cycle.
ADHD in Relationships: ADHD means certain parts work overtime. Understanding these dynamics through IFS reduces blame and increases collaboration.
Life Transitions: When kids leave for college or careers shift, manager parts that focused on productivity suddenly have no outlet. IFS helps you reorganize internal systems and rediscover each other.
Why Choose IFS Therapy With Me
Working with me means getting both depth and direction. I hold space for trauma and pain while providing solution-focused guidance that high achievers need. I'm vibrant, interactive, and willing to interrupt patterns that aren't serving you.
My integration of IFS with Relational Life Therapy, Brainspotting, and sex therapy training means comprehensive care tailored to your situation. Whether recovering from infidelity, navigating high conflict, addressing intimacy challenges, or considering divorce, I bring specialized knowledge to your circumstances.
I work with all couples, including LGBTQ+ partnerships. If you're high-income professionals who've neglected your relationship, carry trauma history from your past, are perfectionists considering divorce but committed to understanding if change is possible, this work is designed for you.
What to Expect in Our Work Together
Therapy begins with a free consultation call where we discuss your situation and determine fit. If you proceed, you'll receive preparatory materials to help identify your parts and relationship patterns.
Sessions are conducted online from the privacy of your own space. For couples needing intensive transformation, I offer deep healing couples intensives combining IFS with other modalities.
Between sessions, you'll have homework that builds on our work. I'm available for contact when you need support, and can offer AI note-taking add-ons to help you integrate sessions.
Location:
San Francisco, CA
Frequently Asked Questions About IFS Therapy for Couples
-
IFS therapy addresses the internal systems driving your relationship patterns, not just surface behaviors. Instead of only learning communication techniques, you'll understand why protective parts hijack your connection and learn to lead from your authentic Self. This creates lasting transformation rather than temporary fixes.
-
It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
-
Yes, couples therapy requires both partners' participation. IFS work is most effective when both of you are learning to recognize your parts, understand each other's internal systems, and practice Self-led communication together.
-
Absolutely. Many couples I work with are on the brink of separation. IFS helps you understand whether your relationship challenges stem from unhealed parts or fundamental incompatibility. This clarity allows you to make informed decisions about your future, whether that means rebuilding your relationship or separating with more understanding and less pain.
-
Skepticism is natural and welcome. IFS isn't about believing in a theory but about noticing your actual experience. Most people quickly recognize parts once they start paying attention to their internal reactions during conflict. I help translate concepts into practical observations that make sense even for analytical, science-minded individuals.
-
After infidelity, both partners have parts in extreme distress. IFS provides a framework for understanding these reactions without getting stuck in blame cycles. We work with the hurt partner's parts carrying pain and the other partner's parts carrying shame, creating space for accountability and healing. This trauma-informed approach recognizes that rebuilding trust requires safety, not forced vulnerability.
-
Yes. Sexual difficulties almost always involve parts carrying shame, fear, or performance pressure. Integrating IFS with my sex therapy training, we address the internal barriers preventing authentic erotic connection. This goes deeper than techniques to explore what parts are blocking vulnerability and pleasure.
-
Sessions are interactive and directive. We might explore a recent conflict to identify which parts got activated, practice Self-led communication in real time, or work with specific parts that regularly interfere with connection. I actively coach you during sessions, interrupting unproductive patterns and guiding you toward new ways of engaging.
-
Not at all. While IFS is powerful for high-conflict couples or those considering divorce, it's also valuable for couples wanting to deepen intimacy, navigate life transitions, or address specific challenges like ADHD or parenting conflicts. Any couple can benefit from understanding their internal systems and leading from Self.
-
If you're tired of surface solutions and ready for work that addresses root causes, if you carry trauma history that influences your relationship, if protective patterns keep you from the intimacy you crave, IFS therapy likely fits your needs. The best way to know is through a consultation call where we discuss your specific situation and determine if this approach serves your goals.
Ready to Transform Your Relationship?
If your relationship has reached a breaking point, if protective parts have been running the show for years, if you're ready for work that addresses root causes, IFS therapy might be exactly what you need.
I bring a compassionate yet pragmatic approach. I'm professional and ethical, but also real about what transformation requires. This isn't about simple communication techniques. It's about fundamentally changing how you relate to yourself and your partner.
Your parts developed to protect you, but they're keeping you from the intimacy you crave. Your Self has the capacity to lead with curiosity, compassion, and courage.
To learn more about working together, including scheduling and investment information, visit www.couplesawaken.com or reach out for a consultation call. Let's explore whether IFS therapy can help you create the relationship you deserve.