Beyond the Couch: Unearthing Your Ideal Couples Therapist
Finding the right couples therapist can sometimes feel like an incredibly difficult task. You want someone who understands both of you, who can hold the space compassionately, and who has more to offer than just nodding along from the couch. For many couples, the search is not just about finding “a therapist” but about finding the right fit, someone who can help you cut through cycles of disconnection and guide you toward genuine, lasting change.
Why the Therapist’s Approach Matters
Not all couples therapy models or couples therapists are created equal. Traditional approaches can sometimes focus heavily on surface-level communication skills — useful, yes, but often not enough when the stakes feel high and patterns run deep. In addition, many clients use trusted individual therapists who may not have the very specific and thorough training needed for couples work.
This is where Relational Life Therapy (RLT) comes in. Developed by Terry Real, RLT is direct, transformative, and designed to interrupt the old scripts couples often find themselves repeating. Instead of endlessly circling around “who said what,” RLT helps partners understand the deeper dynamics at play, gets couples on the same page as to where the problems lie - and importantly gives concrete tools to shift them.
What to Look For in a Couples Therapist
When you’re searching for a couples therapist, here are a few questions to ask yourself (and them):
Do they offer practical tools? A good therapist doesn’t just listen, they help you practice new skills and ways of relating in real time.
Are they willing to be active and honest? In RLT, therapists are not passive observers. We’ll lovingly call out patterns that are harming the relationship, so you both can see them clearly.
Do they hold both partners accountable? The right therapist should help each of you see your role in the dance, call out the major issues as they are noticing them in the relationship - and advise how to step into healthier ways of connecting.
Do they understand the bigger picture? Your relationship doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Factors like parenting, career pressures, family history, or cultural differences often play a role, and the best therapists will hold that complexity with you.
Are they specifically couples therapy-trained? The complexities of couples work and the facilitation skills needed to hold space effectively are very different to the challenges and dynamics in a 1:1 individual therapy session. The good news is that skilled couples work often has a much greater chance of helping the relationship than does siloed, individual therapy for both partners.
Beyond Symptom Relief: Real Transformation
The goal of couples therapy isn’t just fewer arguments or smoother date nights. It’s about creating a deeper, truly connected, resilient, and fulfilling relationship. RLT invites couples to really explore, to uncover the parts of themselves (and each other) that long for healing, and to move toward a relationship built on truth, respect, and intimacy.
As Terry Real says in his book Us, relationships can be “the ultimate spiritual path.” They call on us to grow: to face our old patterns, forged in childhood, and move into a more grounded, adult stance. The right therapist will support you in this process, making the work both practical and profoundly transformative.
How to Know You’ve Found the Right Fit
Ultimately, the best couples therapist for you will be someone who:
Creates safety and challenge in the room
Helps you see your relationship with fresh eyes
Encourages you to practice new ways of being, not just talk about the theory
Leaves you feeling hopeful, even if the work is hard
If you leave sessions feeling like you’ve been truly seen, and that your therapist isn’t afraid to get real with you, then you’re probably in the right place.
A Next Step for Couples on the Brink
At Couples Awaken, I work with couples who want more than “maintenance mode.” Many of my clients are high-achieving, thoughtful people who recognise that their relationship deserves the same care and intentionality they bring to other parts of life.
Whether through weekly or biweekly sessions or couples intensives designed for deep, accelerated work, my goal is to help couples move from painful cycles into relationships that feel alive, supportive, and intimate again.
If you’re ready to explore what working together could look like, you can learn more here on my site or reach out directly to schedule a consultation.
