“The More The More”: How Your Relationship Dance Keeps You Frozen.
It’s a phrase that comes up often in Relational Life Therapy “The More The More'“. A simple idea that describes something profoundly painful and frustrating: the reactive cycle couples get caught in when they feel hurt, unheard, or unseen.
You’ve probably lived it in some form. The more one of you chases, the more the other distances. The more one complains, the more the other shuts down. The more one partner tries to control, the more the other resists or rebels. And on it goes.
At first glance, these dynamics might look like personality clashes or mismatched needs. But in RLT, we zoom out. We look at the dance: the relational pattern between you, and how both partners are co-creating it, usually without meaning to.
The Patterns That Keep You Stuck
A couple caught in “The More The More" pattern — Relational Life Therapy helps partners break free from destructive relationship cycles and reconnect.
In Terry Reals’s Relational Life Therapy, we actually consider The More The More to be the client. It’s that important. These are often rooted in old adaptive strategies, the patterns we developed in childhood or early relationships to stay safe, be accepted, or get our needs met. But those same strategies tend to backfire in our adult partnerships.
Here are some examples of how this can look in action:
The more Alex protests and asks for closeness, the more Sam feels overwhelmed and withdraws.
The more Jamie seeks connection through sex, the more Taylor avoids intimacy.
The more Priya criticises Jordan for being emotionally absent, the more Jordan escapes into work or distractions.
Over time, these dances become so ingrained that they feel inevitable. Each partner is reacting to the other’s reaction and because no one feels truly seen or understood, the pattern keeps escalating.
It’s not always loud or dramatic. Some dances play out subtly over years. Others flare up in the space of an afternoon argument. But in either case, the emotional toll is real: resentment builds, safety erodes, and connection frays.
Why Traditional Therapy Often Misses This
Here’s the problem — many couples show up to therapy expecting to talk through the issues or improve communication. But without specialist training, many therapists miss the deeper pattern playing out between the couple. They might stay too neutral, spend too much time allowing everyone to vent, avoid naming the dynamics, or over-focus on insight rather than change.
Relational Life Therapy takes a radically different path. RLT-trained therapists are active, directive, and unafraid to name the unhelpful patterns with clarity and compassion. We support each partner in owning their part, not from a place of blame, but from a belief that both people have the power to shift the dynamic.
We also recognise when trauma (whether big or small) is fuelling the pattern. While trauma therapy isn’t always essential in couples work, it can be a powerful companion to RLT, especially when deeply rooted triggers are at play.
Breaking the Cycle — Together
Here’s the hope: The More The More is just a pattern. And patterns can be changed.
When even one partner begins to interrupt their part of the dance, the rhythm shifts. Through our work together, you’ll learn how to spot your cycle in real time, slow it down, and choose new, more connected ways of responding.
In RLT, we also teach practical tools for disrupting the old dance. But more than that, we create a space for honest reckoning, a place where old wounds can be witnessed together, ownership can be taken, and both partners can begin to relate in a way that is mature, respectful, and deeply loving.
You don’t have to stay stuck in The More The More. You can create a new dance — one built on truth, connection, and shared responsibility.
If you’re keen to learn more about how this could help you both, apply for a free consult here.
